RE: On the lighter side

RE: On the lighter side

Logged in as: Guest

Users viewing this topic: none

Printable Version

All Forums >> [Community] >> The Berley Bucket >> RE: On the lighter side

Page: << < prev 38 39 [40] 41 42 next > >>

Name

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: On the lighter side - 16 September 2008 11:08:55

Simon Tocas

Posts: 832
Joined: 4 January 2006
From: Dampier W.A
Status: offline

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

;

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

_____________________________

bite the hooks !!

Aqualand Charters (Dampier)

(in reply to Dave Heptinstall)

Post #: 586

RE: On the lighter side - 16 September 2008 13:32:08

Jody Pallett

Posts: 429
Joined: 7 April 2007
From: North Beach
Status: offline

A Queensland jackaroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Jackaroo.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Jackaroo says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackaroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'

_____________________________

OFW Tea Lady

(in reply to Simon Tocas)

Post #: 587

RE: On the lighter side - 18 September 2008 7:12:25

Jody Pallett

Posts: 429
Joined: 7 April 2007
From: North Beach
Status: offline

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she
needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to her
nephew...... .

Ba****ds wont let me fart.'

_____________________________

OFW Tea Lady

(in reply to Jody Pallett)

Post #: 588

RE: On the lighter side - 18 September 2008 22:25:37

Corey House

Posts: 71
Joined: 18 March 2008
From: Rockingham
Status: offline

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

_____________________________

Cheers Housey
_________________________________________
Growing old is Mandatory, Growing up is optional.

(in reply to Jody Pallett)

Post #: 589

RE: On the lighter side - 19 September 2008 8:00:39

Ashley van Viersen

Posts: 539
Joined: 26 March 2005
From: Kalbarri WA formally Mt Walker WA
Status: offline

Vvvvveeery brave man.

Ashley

(in reply to Corey House)

Post #: 590

RE: On the lighter side - 20 September 2008 7:53:27

Barry Jeffrey

Posts: 59
Joined: 17 February 2008
From: Thornlie, WA
Status: offline

A man was cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
The gamekeeper shouted, "Dinnae drink thon water min, it's foo o' coo's shyte 'n' pish."

The man replied, "My good fellow, I'm English.... repeat that in English."

The gamekeeper replied, "I said use both hands - you get more that way.

_____________________________

Retirement does not mean light winds during the week.

(in reply to Ashley van Viersen)

Post #: 591

RE: On the lighter side - 20 September 2008 7:55:06

Barry Jeffrey

Posts: 59
Joined: 17 February 2008
From: Thornlie, WA
Status: offline

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon , Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

_____________________________

Retirement does not mean light winds during the week.

(in reply to Barry Jeffrey)

Post #: 592

RE: On the lighter side - 22 September 2008 22:26:30

Vince Doran

Posts: 750
Joined: 13 February 2007
From: Outback
Status: offline

Beer goggles, the effects from drinking beer...
http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/january/beer_goggle.swf

< Message edited by Vince Doran -- 22 September 2008 22:28:36 >

(in reply to Barry Jeffrey)

Post #: 593

RE: On the lighter side - 24 September 2008 21:30:54

Corey House

Posts: 71
Joined: 18 March 2008
From: Rockingham
Status: offline

*puts foot in water feels warmish*

the voices in my head made me do it, i'm gonna go hide now....

(Click Image for full size)

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

Cheers Housey
_________________________________________
Growing old is Mandatory, Growing up is optional.

(in reply to Vince Doran)

Post #: 594

RE: On the lighter side - 25 September 2008 8:50:26

Jody Pallett

Posts: 429
Joined: 7 April 2007
From: North Beach
Status: offline

cute as!

_____________________________

OFW Tea Lady

(in reply to Corey House)

Post #: 595

RE: On the lighter side - 25 September 2008 13:33:37

Paul Spratt

Posts: 436
Joined: 11 April 2005
From: Outta Foreign Waters
Status: offline

Thats that song Mav`s always singing, know I get it

_____________________________

Cheers Spratty

Agent 69

The Collector

(in reply to Jody Pallett)

Post #: 596

RE: On the lighter side - 25 September 2008 17:30:37

Brendan McConnell

Posts: 1280
Joined: 22 September 2003
From: Peeping in your bedroom window
Status: offline

At least we got to sing the song this year

_____________________________

O.F.W. Agent 88 , the Scarecrow

(in reply to Paul Spratt)

Post #: 597

RE: On the lighter side - 28 September 2008 17:21:22

Trevor Epding

Posts: 330
Joined: 5 June 2003
From: Exmouth, Western Australia
Status: offline

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, "You've all got one minute to get out!"
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, "You bastard!"

_____________________________

The road to the truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards!

(in reply to Brendan McConnell)

Post #: 598

RE: On the lighter side - 29 September 2008 19:11:17

Corey House

Posts: 71
Joined: 18 March 2008
From: Rockingham
Status: offline

Credit Crunch hits the UK

This is how bad it is

(Click Image for full size)

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

Cheers Housey
_________________________________________
Growing old is Mandatory, Growing up is optional.

(in reply to Trevor Epding)

Post #: 599

RE: On the lighter side - 9 October 2008 21:10:58

Corey House

Posts: 71
Joined: 18 March 2008
From: Rockingham
Status: offline

(Click Image for full size)

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

Cheers Housey
_________________________________________
Growing old is Mandatory, Growing up is optional.

(in reply to Corey House)

Post #: 600